to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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