Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
