I heard we made out
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
