she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My vagina is officially offended.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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