btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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