My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
