So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
