Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
