plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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