I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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