Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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