I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I need moral support for this bender
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
