I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize