It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
