I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
