Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
