My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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