At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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