I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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