just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
