I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
