laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
