First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
