I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
