The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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