so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
