That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
