how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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