well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
