I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
