Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
