After last night, I could never be a politician.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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