I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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