he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
