Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just found a bag of teeth...
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
