He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
