Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
