I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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