Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
