So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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