You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
