there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
