just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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