Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
