yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
