pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
