My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
