I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize