He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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