You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
