how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
