you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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