before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
