we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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