I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
