And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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