your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
